Something Existing

What have been supporting me is gone today! I did not really have as big emtional reaction as last time, but it was just temporary. The time, I was occupied with loads of works, and then finally I broke down in the last min after I hanged in there for 15 hours.

I collapsd at the min after somebody came to ask "what happened to you?" I finally spoke out for what have happened to me for the last two weeks, and how much I have done for nothing. I worked over hours, I cut my hands, arms several times, I was threaten, and all of these things finally beated me down after I realized again that the support I thought I had all time is NEVER there for me.

I want to scream!!

I work overloaded and I want to scream. The most of the reason make me break down is because of boss' slowness in making decision. I have done a lot of works every single day, but she has to make me do things in the very last min. For example, she is leaving to Dubi for exhibition this Sat., but she asked me to arrange ALL the documents she needs at 8pm. How the hell I have chance to arrange everything?? And what the hell is she thinking?

The job I have right now makes me have a strange feeling today!

During 2008, they have around 150 customers and some of them are new customers. I spent about 6 days to establish a customer list, re-arrange their files, send the surveillance about our peformance, and pack the notebook to send to every customer. I work over hours every single day, from 8:30am till 7 something in the evening. And we only have one hour break in the noon, but usually we only take about 30 min break.

In Taiwan, many people consider people who born during 1980~1990 are all straberry. Why straberry? Because straberry has beautiful outlook, but with very soft mind which means they cannot take any stress.

Straberries go to work late, leave the work early, take days off for no or stupid reason, don't work over hour, cannot take any stress, are usually irresposible, and are selfish without manner.

Have you ever wanted to suicide? I had. When we heard the news about some people killed themselves because of certain reason, we might feel it's not a right attitude to settle thing, or we don't think their reason isn't worth enough for them to do so.

Maybe I am wrong, but maybe I am right about it.

I have my own bed since I was a kid. My first bed was in my parents' room, right next to the wall. Above the wall, there was big window so when I couldn't sleep, I could peek outside. But sometimes, I would be afriad that some ghost hide behind my curtains, so that window became my scary window. My bed was of course a single bed, but didn't really fill with dolls. As I recalled, the only thing could sleep with me on that bed was my mom.

Until my 5th grad in elementary school, we moved to a bigger apartment, so I have my own room. Not surprise, it is a single bed and right next to a wall. And there is also a big window above the wall, but the other side of the window is our living room. One day, I was planning to move my bed to change the decoration in my room. Due to the room isn't big, I only could move my bed to the other side without closing to the wall. I remembered I was crying for help after one night, just because I feel very insecure to sleep without wall. Thus, I moved my bed back to where it was, and never planned to redecorate my room any more.

There was an article in our school textbook talking about the back sight of a father. It was an article about the author was heading to work out of his home town, and his father ran to the train station to bring him some fruit. He was touched by looking at his father's back side while his father walked back home. Somehow, "back sight" is in my mind all the time.

I fall in love with someone's "back sight" and it's so hard to forget. As I remember, I was so happy to follow this "back sight" by walking around the city, even it was tiring. And I am very happy now that I did capture this "back sight" I love, so that I can put it as a wallpaper of my laptop.

It's very cold in Taiwan these days, and the temperature should be the lowest than the past 10 years. The coldness is very different from America, even the temperature there can reach below zero. Somehow, you feel more freeze in Taiwan, probably because Taiwan is surrendered by sea.

There were about dozen of people freeze to death in Taiwan for the past few days, and tons of people are suffering from flu, and it's not easy to recover. In my family, everybody is having running nose and throatache. We all went to clinic to get some medicine every three or four days. It seems that the flu is never going away. And the flu spreads also very fast, when there is a case happening in the family, soon the rest will be infected.

Since I started to work, time runs very very fast because I work overload from 8:30am till 7:00pm with less than one hour lunch break. And I don't really have time to stop for a while.

As usual, I got lots of works laying there waiting for me to clean up today. And I found myself pretty good at make thing in organization (ha). But today became a very different day since 1pm, because I received a surprise!