It's been a long time I didn't come back here to write. Reason? I am not quit sure tho. Maybe because my work keeps me very busy all the time, or maybe I didn't keep seeing the world carefully for a while.
Remember weeks ago, the problem came back to me again. I lost my sleep for 2 or 3 weeks. It's killing me, but what worst is that I cannot find someone to talk about the real reason I couldn't sleep. It's sucks, but I have to say that I deserve it, because it's me who choose to dig in.
Like I have said about myself for thousand times, I hate myself when I care too much. I know I fucking care about you a lot, and I don't want to see you being this way, but I cannot do anything to change it, if you don't really mean it. I've tried for a long time since last Oct to stand up by myself. I sent myself back to Taiwan from working at China, just to survive, to make sure that I wouldn't do any stupid thing to hurt myself or kill myself. So many nights, I slept with tears, because I couldn't get myself out of the emotion that kills me little by little. I tried and tried and tried to convince myself that it's nothing...you can make it...he shouldn't be the reason to affect your emotion, or to affect your life. However, the truth is that YOU CAN!
Jon told me, it's a very brave thing for a guy to talk about his own feeling, because mostly, they like to pretend they are very tough, nothing can hurt him. And I shouldn't know you so much, after all, we only stayed with each other for 5 days, but I know, I know that the same feeling hunting you, and you know, I know that we all shouldn't speak out our feeling to each other. Because if we do, it will hurt each other. Thus, you ran, you pretended that you never meant to say those words.
Tim told me, be brave, you should be more brave to fight for what you want. There is no harm to give it a try, if you want it to be happened. Just don't make yourself regret!
Bi told me, you're sucks, because you should not play games like this to make a gal never get over you.
I told myself, I wanna go back to you.....I really want to ....I want to do it so bad.....but will you be there for me? I will go, but I don't want to hurt you when I leave. I will go, but I don't want to hurt myself if I see something I don't want to see; feel something I don't want to feel; do something I don't want to do. I wanna go back, but I just couldn't find the balance......There is no balance, if you are not brave enough.
And I feel....I will never get an answer from you...because you don't know the answer youself, either. Maybe you will feel the same that we are all afriad of knowing the answer, because what if it's the answer we never want to hear.
Life's sucks and grow up's sucks. It's such an easy thing to speak out how I feel to friends, but it's such a difficult thing to just tell you how much I miss you!