Too many times, I asked myself what I am doing here. Is everything worth? Is it the right thing to do? I know I am doing my best, but I just cannot help myself thinking that there are more I could do to fix it. Sometimes, I told myself, no, you don't deserve it, even there are people telling me in the opposite way. I could find thousands of excuss for people's mistake, but I cannot find any to prove that I deserve something good.
I always have answers for others' problems, but when it comes to myself, I don't find any. On the other hand, I don't like people to remind me what I can do better, because I know better than anyone else about myself. It's not that I donlt listen; it's just if you push too hard on me, I will feel more stressed. Thus, no matter what, I will do my best!
"When it's your turn?" people ask me a lot now. Before I graduated, they told me "don't think of getting married that early." After couple years of my graduation, they asked me "when it's your turn?" or "why you are not seeing anybody?" or "why you don't go out?" or "you should start to pratice how to cook, or take care of kid". I found these questions are annoying, and my answer becomes even stronger....."who said that I want to get married" or "who said that I want any kid".
I know I am changing, changing to a person I never expected I would be. Not long ago, I remember exactly that I told others, to have your own kids, and family, then you can call it "your life". But now, I found myself rejecting it. Not sure if it's just I said it, or I did mean it.
Again, there is no goal in my life at this stage, but I am not that confused. I feel somewhere in the middle of the road, I will find some pieces that will help to complete my life. Perhaps, they are not easy to be found, but somehow, someday, it will just come to me and make me smile.
That's why I told you yesterday.....
Don't know what our future will look like, whether we will be part of our future or not. But I am sure even you are not there, something there could always remind me you mean a lot to me, just like the way you fist came into my life to make it count.
It aint a goodbye, because I swear to myself that I will never say that to you. It's a new start for me, and also an answer for myself after 8 months without you. I know I will smile whenever you pop into my mind. I know I will lose my concentration whenever you are in my head. I know those memories will always in my mind without going anywhere. I know you will always exist somewhere in my mind, and I will always leave a spot for you to get in.
Perhaps, I will never hear from you again......but you know well that I will always be there whenever you need me, no matter where I am, even I lost myself somewhere.