Something Existing

He is the second person who suicided in my life. He is my cousin and he suicided for some reason we don't know. He didn't end up his life immediately, instead he choose to die slowly so that maybe he got chance to see everybody.

Years ago, I went to this private school to study English grammar with my aunt. There was this girl who is about 30 years old. She always wears beautiful makeup and always dress nicely. You couldn't know if she is well-mannered until you got to spend some time with her. But one thing that she had is that she wants everything to be perfect so she put loads of stress on herself. Stress from her rich family, stress from work, and stress from no where. Therefore, sometimes, you would see her talk to herself because she's unsatisfied with something she did. After getting alone with her for about an year, one day, someone told me that she would never come to school again because she suicided.

I've learned this phrase, culture shock, when I was in College. We talked about culture differences and I really love this phrase because it could be a "shock" in reality.

It's been about 4 weeks staying here and I did not really see any big difference that shocks me. They had Christmas parties, people always bring their own drinks to the parties (interesting), and they eat fucking late for a long time (well, I learned that before but it's turely the first time I experience it....it's really fucking long). They love to talk a lot, a lot, a lot, and that's something I am not quite used to because they all speck French and in our family, we don't really talk that much when having meal. I recalled that I always asked my nephews and niece to shut up while eating. Anyways, non of these shock me too much tho but......couple days ago, I found something.

When I was a kid, thought how great it will be to have my own family since I live in a happy one. But the older we grow, the more scary we are. Everything we are planning to do seems to be a big bet for us because there are too much to consider and once you make the decision, you have to take all the outcomes no matter what.

To live with someone is not an easy thing, and I just realized that couple weeks ago. A lot of things needed to be adjusted, even your living ways because you are not living in your own room any more. Everything has to be shared and there are different rules for different people. Like how to do laundry, how to fold the clothes, how to put the dishes, ......blah blah blah...a lot, a lot needed to be learned and communcation is not really an easy thing to do tho.

Happy New Year, Taiwan....You are 100 years old!!!

This year, I am not in Taiwan, I am in Montreal, Canada. It's a pity that I didn't celebrate Taiwan's 100 years old because it's really such a special day for all Taiwanese.

I always remember this sentence, the older you are, the more you think. Over 25 years old, the reality hits me harder and harder and I've been forced to think as much as I could before I make any decision. Every step seems always so hard to step out because you have to think over all the consequences and take all the responsibilities when it comes to the end. Therefore, you'd be very careful to make any move. It's good for me but somehow, there is possibilty that I've lost my chance already.

When the time that lady told me that sentence, I did not really understand what she meant. But now, I understand very well because the older you are, the more burden/responsibility you need to take. It's not something you could choose because it is your life and you are the only one who got to decide how to live.

Life seems to joke me around these days to let me see the bad sides from the others. Frustrated me with unemployment, crashing me with friends' lost, and shocking me with relative's suicide. Life lesson is really the hardest one to learn and what worst is that nobody could get away from it.

I didn't quite know how to react when I first knew these things. But I remember I felt bad and then took some time to pick up myself piece by piece. I asked myself what heppened....why this kinda thing would happen on such good person....

Lisa is my old classmae back to college. I didn't know her much at that time but yesterday, I learned something from her.

When she was young, her parents got divorced and then her mother married to another man in her age, twelve. She has a handicapped brother who has hearing difficulty. In her father's opinion, she is the one who should take care of her brother for the rest of her life. In fact, her brother does have ability to take care of himself and of course, he could go to work with smaller salary. But her father is over-protected her brother and wants to put everything on her. Two years ago, she insists on not taking this responsibility to live on the life she wants, so she's moved out since then but visited her father and brother from time to time.

It's been about 3 weeks, I feel a twitch at my left eye and it seems that it's not gonna stop any soon. Don't like this feeling at all because for God sake, I am really not sure what it means. I hope it's not gonna be something bad tho. Even if it really means something bad, I hope there is a light somewhere in front of me to point me a right direction. I feel kinda lost in here and I got no idea what I want and what I shall do to make things right. Seriously, I don't wanna mess things up any soon....at least, I really want, in the bottom line, things could go in a smoother way.

Hopefully, I could find out what's the best for me and just keep it in this way for a long while tho. After all, I still have to make each day count for me, myself, only!!

This April, I've been lucky to visit this special city, Amsterdam, in the Netherlands. This is a small city because you don't really have to take train to reach any spot. Walking under sun shine along with canal would be the best idea to walk around the city. And it's actully a quite safe place to walk around because there are too many visitors who you couldn't even really recognize if they are local people or not, unless they have a city map in their hands.

Just checked, it was about an year ago I came writing here; thought that it should be longer. I remember the reason why I started this blog but I don't remember the reason why I stop blogging.

There were many many things happening this 2010. Most of them are not good things but I am glad that I got through them all. After all, I survive but I am not really proud of myself because I think I've changed, changed to a person I am not appreciated at all.